Thursday, March 8, 2012

Speaking My Truth

I have been asked to submit an article to the Blueprints, the USFWI (United Society of Friends Women International) booklet that we use for monthly meetings. The topic is Showers of Blessings. Showers of blessings...hmmm... when have I ever felt showers of blessings?  And then I understood why I had been led to write about my life and why it just wasn't happening. I had been coming at it from the wrong angle. When I looked at it from a "blessings" point of view, it all came into focus. Recently, I had done a mission statement exercise that was astonishingly easy and extremely powerful for me. And it has come together in this article.

If you are one of my loved ones, there is no blame here. This is my account of what happened to me and only me. This article is written for a spiritual group so I will be leaving in all the references to God and scripture. If you are offended by that I suggest you ask yourself why someone else's beliefs offend you and tend to those wounds. And if I can help, I will. 

I'm not trying to "win souls for God" here.  I'm telling what happened to me. If it helps you, WIN! If it makes you really uncomfortable, WIN!! Because if you're uncomfortable you can be sure that there is something stirring in you that is ready to be healed. 

Showers of Blessings  John 14:12-14, 26-27   Hymn- Breathe on Me Breath of God

I know that  sometimes its hard to see the blessings through all of a life. But when we can glimpse the “5O thousand foot” view we can see so many ways that we have been blessed.
This is not a story about my children Liberty, Betsy or Sam. This is my story.

Maybe it will help you understand how God can work miracles.

I had a childhood that included sexual abuse and all the behaviours that come from near constant fear of being abused. I hurt myself (not on purpose) a lot (not feeling safe). I was sick with strep throat numerous times. (not speaking my truth).  I had bad acne (very low self esteem). Sexual abuse of a child is like a sword piercing the self esteem.  I had recurring nightmares of being on a bus careening down a hill with no one at the wheel and me in the back with no way to stop it. This is classic for someone who feels out of control. I was forced to grow up at a very young age. It seemed no one was watching out for me. It was so obvious when I looked at my life that there was no one in charge and I was just a kid. It wasn’t like there was no normalcy in my life but if the surface had been scratched even a little the right person would have seen a very troubled family. One evening I realized that I was so alone I began yelling in fear from my bed. My father came to see what was wrong. I said, “I’m all alone.” He said, “No it’s ok, I’m right here.” “No you don’t understand. I am all alone.” I replied.  I was eleven years old.

Apparently there was not thought of going to a professional for help. No one did anything about my fear so I lived with it for many many years. Even after I  accepted the Lord in my life I had plenty of fear. When one grows up this way it is an unconscious behaviour that can be difficult to break.
My cousins, Doug, Brenda, Tim and Shelley were always fun play with and I felt very safe whenever I was with them  so when they invited me to church I was excited to go with them! God led to me accepting Jesus as my saviour and an indwelling of the Holy Spirit at age 13.

I had the opportunity to go to Quaker boarding school at age 15 and get out of my house. I was given many, many opportunities to see how other people lived and develop a sense of being in a community with my fellow humans on this big blue ball hurtling through the universe.

There were many times in my life when I just left God out of my life all together. I was not aware of any direction of my life through God. But something would happen and I would make a decision and just keep following through wherever that led. (I was not really aware that these
decisions I made could have been directed by the Holy Spirit.)

I had some rough times when I thought again, “I’m all alone.” But always God was right where I left Him!

I had read that I could do great things if I believed and let Jesus lead me. I was led  to become a massage therapist and give to others in a very meaningful way. Touching others with unconditional love was so integral to my healing the wounds of childhood. I was given the opportunity to work with a gifted therapist and went through nine months of intensive counseling twice a week, once in an individual setting and once in a group of other adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. All of this was paid for because I fell into this category! I started seeing how God was preparing me for things that I was asking to do.

Spirit led me to come to the midwest in 1990 to study chiropractic and within 10 months I met my husband who has been a steady source of love and compassion for me for over 20 years now.  I had written a list of the person I wanted as a partner and made it very clear who I wanted and God put him right in front of me!

And lo and behold he was a Quaker man! His parents were both pastors and I was now in the family that I had longed for growing up. His knowingness about how God works in lives was the anchor that I had been looking for in a partner. I now knew why none of my other relationships worked. We had God in our relationship and it was amazing!

Ed and I  have been through many trials. The stillbirth of our first son, teenage daughters running rampant, financial worries but still God is guiding me every day. I’m not perfect yet. But I am being perfected. God doesn’t make mistakes but we can sure louse things up with our little, tiny ideas.

And the closer I strive to be with God the easier it is to do! People pop up to help and support. Epiphanies abound! People grow and learn and become who they are really meant to be and it helps if I am who I am really meant to be too!

I want you to know that if you feel alone, you really aren’t. It’s a false feeling and there is one who can speak to your condition, always.

And these are the words I read when I was 12 years old.
John 14: 12-14
Very truly, I tell you, the one who believes in me will also do greater works than these, because I am going to the Father. I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it.

And be sure to read on in that chapter because the Promise of the Holy Spirit is real. And if you live like it’s real your life will be a joy!

My mission statement is "to heal, empower and connect intuitive understanding with adult survivors of childhood abuse".

Love and blessings,
Dr. Tanya

P.S. The teenage girls grew up and are a constant inspiration to me. We have a very healthy 16 year old son. I communicate regularly in loving ways with both of my parents and my sister. And as if that's not enough, I have meaningful and rewarding work to do every day. Go figure.